The Power of 'Authentic' Positive Self Talk, Work + Family Space

Self-talk is how you talk to yourself; the inner voice that influences what you do and how you feel. Dr Kate Beaven-Marks explains how it can be helpful or work against you and offers her advice on not just keeping it positive, but also keeping it real.

I want to talk about self-talk.

And the importance of not just positive self-talk, but authentic positive self-talk too.

Let's look at the core components of this...

What is self-talk?

Self-talk is how you talk to yourself; the inner voice that influences what you do and how you feel. That inner voice may be helpful, resourceful and positive, telling you, "It is possible", "I can do it", and "It will work". Or, that inner voice may work against you, depriving you of opportunities or experiencing new situations, with self-talk such as, "It's impossible", "I can't", or "I am not good enough for it to work".

Some people may say that a critical inner voice motivates them. However, for many people, if they think that they can never win, or that achieving 100% is impossible, they can stop even trying. The fact is, a critical inner voice can be highly demotivating.

Positive self-talk

Positive self-talk helps you feel good about yourself and what is happening in your life. It's that optimistic voice in your head that looks on the bright side. It will have phrases such as, "I can do this", "I can do my best" and even, "I made a mistake and I am learning from it". These are all examples of how self-talk can be motivational and enabling. Positive self-talk has huge benefits for your mental and physical wellbeing, such as helping you manage stress and improving your self-esteem. It is also a key influencing factor in the extent to which you are resilient in the face of challenges. Fundamentally, it is a cheerful and supporting aspect of yourself, challenging fears, promoting action and boosting your confidence.

Negative self-talk

In contrast, negative self-talk can lead to emotional and physical symptoms and a poor sense of self. Self-talk, such as, "I am a total failure", "I will never have a good relationship", and, "I can't..." all lead you towards inaction and avoidance. Negative self-talk can arise from a faulty appraisal of a situation, such as, "I failed my last driving test, so clearly I am no good at driving". It can be 'global', like, "I will never get it right", or it can be future-projected, such as, "I will fail to get into college this year and will never be able to have a good career".

There can be many cognitive distortions that might influence your self-talk. Such as 'black and white' thinking. This 'all or nothing' thinking globalises to extremes, such as, "My colleagues never listen to me", not recognising the times when their colleagues do listen. Others include 'mind-reading' which can lead to unhelpful or factually-incorrect jumping to conclusions.

Another particularly unhelpful cognitive distortion is that of 'should' statements. These rigid demands can lead to disturbance when these are not met all of the time (which they usually cannot be!). For example, "My colleagues should always listen to me". Logically, there will be times and reasons when their colleagues won't listen to them.

What you say - and how you say it

It can be good to pay conscious and deliberate attention to your own self-talk. Be aware of what you say to yourself and how you are saying it. Would saying to someone else "You are stupid" (or some other such blunt put-down) be acceptable from yourself? If your self-talk is negative or unhelpful, challenge it. Ask yourself whether what you are saying is really true. Question what the actual facts are. Seek to assess whether there is any evidence for that negative statement. This can help you gain perspective on your thoughts.

A useful way of changing your perspective is to question whether a hundred people would all take the same viewpoint as that presented in your self-talk, "Would one hundred people say that I am not a good parent because I ...?" Furthermore, you can ask yourself, "Is it relevant?", "Is this actually important?", even, "Does it matter?". When you have done this, you can then consider what would be a more helpful way of thinking.

Your thoughts vs your reality

Do remember that your thoughts and your feelings are not always your reality. Just for a moment, think to yourself, "I am a six-foot, blue bunny rabbit, with giant floppy ears, eating candy floss". Thinking does not make it so! Another useful strategy is to give your inner critical voice a name. When you notice a negative thought, you can think of it as, "Negative Norman (or Nellie) is at it again!". This helps give you distance.

Another way of creating helpful distance is to add in front of any negative comment the phrase, "I am having the thought that....", such as, "I am having the thought that I cannot do it". You can even say it out loud to hear it differently. A key strategy in dealing with any negative thinking is to immediately replace it. Whenever you notice yourself engaged in a negative comment, immediately challenge it and change it to something better, more encouraging, more resourceful and more powerful.

Taking it further: being authentic

Being positive in your self-talk, indeed both how to talk to yourself and about yourself, is a good start in promoting your mental wellbeing. However, you can take it a stage further, by being authentic as well. Being authentic is more than simply 'being yourself'. Definitions of 'authentic' commonly include not being false, being genuine, being real and being true to yourself. It can also be about representing your true nature and beliefs to others.

We often think of being authentic with others, yet it can be even more important to be authentic with yourself. Be aware of how your thoughts influence your actions. Remember that events don't 'make' us feel happy or sad, it is our thoughts and beliefs about those events that result in our emotional response. For example, rather than your child making you sad because they called you 'mean' for sending them to bed on a school night, you responded to their name-calling with sadness. You could have responded in a number of different ways. You can have the emotional intelligence to take responsibility for yourself and your own emotions and how you express them. Listen to yourself. Challenge negative thoughts for facts and evidence, yet act in a way that is consistent with your positive beliefs.

Being authentic includes having a realistic perception of reality and recognising your true self may include an honest appraisal of your qualities, skills and abilities. It doesn't include diminishing those skills, qualities and abilities. Do you ever treat yourself like rubbish? If so, how does that help? It truly doesn't! Instead, treat yourself with kindness and respect. Being kind to yourself boosts your happiness. It can also be helpful to allow yourself to be open-minded to possibilities, new ideas, opinions, events and people. 'Command and control' or rigid self-management may not leave room for creativity and self-inspiration.

Putting it all together: 'authentic' positive self-talk

So, what does 'authentic positive self-talk' really mean? Putting it all together, it is about having a positive that's genuine. Rather than being hyped up by others or hyping yourself up to conquer the world in a day and then beating yourself up when it doesn't happen, be realistic. Be positive, yet keep a realistic perception of what you can achieve and who you are. Authentic positive self-talk allows for psychological maturity, emotional intelligence and non-defensive functioning, where you are able to express your emotions and motivations clearly and freely, not just to others, but also to yourself! It also means that you allow yourself to accept that you may make mistakes. Learn from those mistakes and grow from challenges. By being totally true yet encouraging and supportive with yourself, you develop the habit of thinking positively about yourself and your life.

To be authentic in your communication with others, to be authentic in your leadership or influence of others, you need to be authentic with yourself first.

As Oscar Wilde said, "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken".

This article originally appeared as a blog on Work + Family Space